movie review

Gods Of Egypt

Director: Alex Proyas (2016)

With a budget of $140M this is possibly the most dull and cheap looking special effects spectacular you’ll be unfortunate to suffer.

Mortals and gods battling to save ancient Egypt in a camp and glossy action adventure romp should be huge amounts of fun.

10 feet tall gods bleed liquid gold and ride chariots pulled by giant beetles. Plus there are enormous fire breathing snakes and ox headed warriors.

But due to a terrible script, laboured jokes and painful dialogue it’s sadly far less entertaining than the sum of its ridiculous parts.

Also it’s terribly edited and badly dubbed with a voice over dropped in to fill – or possibly distract from – the gaps in the inconsistent story.

Humans are referred to as mortals even though gods are regularly killed or threatened with death.

The heroes are dull, women are inconsequential plot devices, no one knows who the main character is and it’s left to the bad guys to provide what fun there is.

The gorgeous set and costume design is wasted by appalling shoddy CGI, terrible storytelling and some awful acting.

Gerard Butler’s reputation survives because the Scots actor embraces the nonsense, strutting manfully as Set, god of the desert and war. He brings the noise and the muscle and when he and the excellent Elodie Yung are off screen everything flags, in the manner of the inflatable pyramid in Despicable Me 2 (2013).

It’s a shame the majority of the cast don’t follow his cue, offering light weight performances which are dwarfed by the sets and lost in the gravity free CGI.

Butler goes full Sparta, reprising the roaring camp egotism of his skirt and sandalled fighting king Leonidas, from Zack Snyder’s 300 (2006).

Bored after a thousand years of peace, he stages a violent coup over his nephew. Danish Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is astonishingly dull as the rightful king Horus left blind and in exile.

Equalling him for a lack of charisma are Brenton Thwaites and Courtney Eaton. As Bek and Zaya they are the happiest, healthiest and most handsomest slaves in Hollywood.

When Zaya dies Bek strikes a deal with Horus. In return for helping Horus reclaiming his eyes and his throne, Horus will use his power to return Zaya to the land of the living.

They trek about the desert, raiding tombs, visiting gods and fighting monsters. Joining them from Netflix’s Daredevil is the under used Yung.

Despite Hathor being the only female character on show with anything approaching complexity, she’s eventually sidelined and suffers the usual fate of strong headed women in movies. Being punished for her promiscuity would be wrong even if Hathor wasn’t the goddess of love.

Hathor’s absence from the rooftop finale leaves us with musclebound mahogany mugs battering each other as a giant space worm attempts to eat Egypt. Well, there’s something you don’t see every day.

Fresh from Captain America: Civil War (2016) Chadwick Boseman out camps out as Thoth the god of knowledge. In an ’80s romcom he’d be classed as the gay black best friend.

A strongly Australian supporting cast sees Bryan Brown, Bruce Spence and Geoffrey Rush failing to be embarrassed as various gods. Abbey Lee was last seen in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) alongside Courtney Eaton as wives of Immortan Joe.

The growling muffle of Kenneth Ransom’s voice of the Sphinx leaves his riddle indecipherable, never mind unsolvable.

With ancient gods reimagined as superheroes, for much of the running time this feels more like a retread of the recent X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) than anything Ray Harryhausen may have conjured up. And about as much fun.

It’s a long fall from grace for Alex Proyas whose directorial debut was the intelligently composed sci fi thriller Dark City (1998).

Gods Of Egypt has been criticised for a lack of Egyptian actors. Maybe they realised how bad it was going to be and decided against it.

★★☆☆☆

@ChrisHunneysett

 

Tale Of Tales

Director: Matteo Garrone (2016)

Full of deliciously dark deeds and black comic moments, this fabulously grotesque fairytale is definitely not one for the kids.

In the grand tradition of European folk stories it’s a moral foray through a murky forest of avarice, gluttony, madness, magic and death.

With a minimal of dialogue its entwining stories are expertly twisted together by a marvellous mix of strong performances, stunning costume design, incredible locations and beautiful cinematography.

The loosely connected stories of three medieval monarchs begin with Salma Hayek’s Queen who is longing for a child.

A cloaked figure guarantees her a child but warns of a potentially lethal price. The Queen’s husband must kill a sea monster and its heart must be cooked by a virgin and then eaten by the Queen.

Dishonesty causes repercussions which pass down the years.

Meanwhile Vincent Cassel’s debauched king courts a singing maiden without having seen her face. Toby Jones is a wonderfully distracted king who organises a tournament to find a prince to marry his daughter.

Ogres, giant fleas, leeches,  jugglers, fire eaters, dwarves and a fat lady add flavour to this witches brew of story telling. A circus troupe adds a layer of theatricality and make believe to the mythic environment.

Roccascalegna castle is one of several perfectly chosen examples of Italian architecture which anchor the extraordinary events in our imagination.

None of the royal plans ends in the way they or us expect as they discover lies and self interest have severe and deserved consequences.

The final shot is a breathtakingly beautiful comment on the frailty and difficulty of life, offering a degree of compassion to those who have suffered through their own weakness.

★★★★☆

@ChrisHunneysett

Where You’re Meant To Be

Director: Paul Fegan (2016)

Take a rousing ramble around the Highlands  of Scotland with this folk music documentary.

Britpop casualty and former Arab Strap frontman Aidan Moffat has decided to head in a new musical direction. No I’d not heard of the band either.

He’s updated traditional folk songs with new lyrics about his modern urban experiences.

At heart they remain earthy tales of domestic abuse and alcoholism.

Before setting off on tour he showcases them to an unimpressed folk expert, traveller Sheila Stewart.

Sadly the formidable singer is sidelined for some light hearted nonsense about the Loch Ness monster.

Fascinating and frustrating in equal measure, Where You’re Meant To Be is at its best when Sheila, the scenery and the songs are allowed to do the talking.

The tour ends with a crowd pleasing rendition of the title song, proving there’s life in the old songs yet.

★★★☆☆

@ChrisHunneysett

Where To Invade Next

Director: Michael Moore (2016)

Shambling satirist Michael Moore acts as a one man invasion force of Europe in this typically funny and thought provoking documentary.

With the US having failed to have won a war out right since the second world warm, he feels he can do better without spending billions of dollars for little tangible success.

Rather than steal oil he aims to capture the most progressive cultural ideas and take them back home to the US. So he shuffles of to Italy for sex education, France for the food, Germany for productivity and Iceland for gender equality.

Moore praises European attitudes in order to condemn existing practices in the US. Bold graphics and TV footage mingle with his meetings with teachers, chefs, police officers, company CEO’s and the President of Slovenia.

This is a rose tinted view of the EU you may not recognise from the Referendum debate or personal experience.

Despite Moore’s view of the US  it ends on a note of flag waving optimism. However it’s noticeable how Moore doesn’t consider the UK worthy of invasion.

★★★☆☆

@ChrisHunneysett

Mother’s Day

Director: Garry Marshall (2016)

I haven’t quite recovered my will to live after suffering this irredeemably awful comedy drama.

Along with Valentine’s Day (2010) and New Year’s Eve (2011), it’s the third in a trilogy of wasted talent. Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston are the notable victims this time round.

None of the films are related except in being based around a particular date and involving an absence of entertainment for the audience.

Similarly this features a pitiful parade of self obsessed souls vaguely connected by unlikely coincidences.

Mother’s Day is approaching and Aniston’s divorcee is arguing with her newly remarried ex about custody of their kids on the big day. Intimidated by their hot young step mum, Sandy has joined a gym.

It’s ran by a widower who is struggling to raise his kids. Jason Sudeikis is wildly miscast as the former marine master sergeant.

In an astonishingly misjudged attempt at inclusiveness, Kate Hudson’s racist redneck parents are unaware of her mixed race marriage and their other daughter is gay.

Unfunny British stand up comic Jack Whitehall is suitably cast as an unfunny British stand up comic. His girlfriend with whom he has a baby is reluctant to marry him. Clever girl.

It’s directed for want of a better description, by Garry Marshall, the person who helped propel Roberts to stardom in the superior in every way Pretty Woman (1990).

This feels like a big screen adaption of a much loathed TV show mistakenly released in to cinemas instead of being buried at midnight in an unmarked show business grave.

With nothing but contempt for its audience, this cheap looking collection of mawkish  platitudes is shabbily conceived, woefully written and shoddily edited.

Plus it features the worst game of ‘soccer’ ever committed to celluloid.

Mother’s Day is rare for being a female dominated movie headlined by two performers nearing 50 years old and supported by a third approaching 40.

This is exactly the sort of highly visible roles for older actresses which the industry, audiences and critics bemoan the lack of. The tragedy is in being an appallingly poor piece of work in which to showcase their talents.

Aniston and Roberts deliver typically professional performances of charm and warmth and no blame for this disaster can be landed at their feet. Their agents may need to carefully consider their futures.

While Roberts can look to her Oscar win for Erin Brockovich (2000) for consolation, Aniston’s search for a film role worthy of her talent continues.

Roberts was reportedly paid $3 million for four days work for her role as television shopping channel host. I should have been paid at least as much for watching.

Easily the worst film of 2016.

★☆☆☆☆

@ChrisHunneysett

 

The Boss

Director: Ben Falcone (2016)

Melissa McCarthy has carved out a career of variable quality with a distinctive brand of knockabout comedy.

Since a scene stealing supporting role in Bridesmaids (2011) she successfully teamed up with Sandra Bullock in The Heat (2014) before taking centre stage in comedy smash Spy (2015).

However for every hit there has been a misfire such as the poor Identity Thief (2013) and the terrible Tammy (2014). This is one of her lesser films.

Practically a one woman industry, she acts as producer, writer and star of this corporate romp.

Michelle Darnell is a shiny suited and power haired Sharon Osbourne lookalike with the blustering self belief of Donald Trump.

The bullying self made financial guru loses her fortune when she’s punished for insider trading.

Once released Michelle moves in with her former assistant and begins to plot her way back to the big time.

Kristen Bell and Ella Anderson offer a sweet contrast to their abrasive guest as hard working single mum Claire and young teen daughter Rachel.

While Peter Dinklage is an enjoyably demented samurai obsessed former colleague turned bitter business enemy.

McCarthy relies heavily on her screen presence to bulldozer over the lack of decent jokes in a weak script which substitutes slapstick violence and swearing for wit.

Hardcore fans of McCarthy may enjoy The Boss but it’s not a product that raises the value of her stock.

★★☆☆☆

@ChrisHunneysett