UNDERWATER

Cert 15 Stars 3

Kristen Stewart is in deep water and under enormous pressure in this claustrophobic survival sci-fi horror which left me gasping for air.

The Twilight star is typically terrific as an engineer seven miles down in an ocean bed oil drilling station, which suffers mysterious tremors leading to a catastrophic collapse and leaving most of the crew dead.

Vincent Cassel’s noble captain attempts to lead his five remaining crew on a desperate bid for safety across the sea floor to a sister platform and its precious escape pods, but as morale and oxygen run low, they face even more monstrous terrors.

Refreshingly the script is angled more towards a conspiracy theory than an eco-message, and the faint residue of philosophical musings are washed away by a welter of crowd-pleasing blockbuster thrills.

Uncharitably described by a co-star as a ‘flat-chested elfin creature’, Stewart anchors the action with a gutsy physical performance, the latest left turn in a career marked by its impressive range and constant evolution.

THE LIGHTHOUSE

Cert 15 Stars 4

This demanding and demented gothic horror about a pair of 1890’s lighthouse keepers is as far from the Adventures of Portland Bill as Dorothy was from Kansas.

As uncompromising as the rain-lashed stump of rock off the US’s Atlantic coast on which they begin a four week stint of duty, it’s a barking study in madness from Robert Eggers.

Having previously directed 2015’s acclaimed art house horror The Witch, which was also creepy if low on scares, the atmospheric black-and-white photography is nominated for Best Cinematography at the Oscars.

Committing to their roles with impressive vigour, Willem Dafoe plays a one-legged crabby old sea dog, from whom Robert Pattinson is supposed to be learning the ropes.

But with the weather even more foul than a British summertime picnic, they punctuate their drudgery with dancing, drinking and violence, they lose all sense of time as their sanity is battered by hallucinations, seagulls, storms, and sexual fantasies about mermaids.

Pattinson also goes batty in his next film, playing Gotham City’s Caped Crusader in next years superhero reboot.

 

THE TURNING

Cert 15 Stars 1

In squandering its grand Irish setting, superlative source material and a game cast in favour of tepid atmosphere, timid scares and bewildering incompetence, this supernatural gothic horror is an early contender for the worst film of the year.

Mackenzie Davis is a warm presence with a hard working line of quizzical looks and can scream to order, which are all useful traits playing Kate, a newly appointed governess to a wealthy seven year old orphan.

Brooklynn Prince is exuberant and engaging as Flora, she lives in a stately manor which is somewhat neglected since the groundskeeper mysteriously died.

Apparitions appear at windows, there are ghostly voices at night and then stranger things happen when Flora’s teenage brother unexpectedly arrives home from boarding school.

Played by Finn Wolfhard, Miles has a love of macabre practical jokes, predatory spiders and inappropriate behaviour.

Teasing violence and nudity but delivering neither, it updates Henry James’ novella The Turn of the Screw, from 1898 to 1994,  but twists James’ studied ambiguity into rambling slipshod incoherence.

THE GRUDGE

Cert 15 Stars 2

This belated reboot of a long dead Hollywood horror franchise is reasonably coherent, borderline competent but not the worst horror film I’ve seen this week.

I don’t know what dark satanic pact Andrea Riseborough fell foul of to deserve to star in this, but credit to the talented Geordie who gives her all as a detective cop and widowed mother of one.

She’s investigating a series of deaths centred on a creepy suburban house, which suffers from a Japanese curse which once you’ve encountered is impossible to escape.

In its favour it relies on physical effects not CGI, and the sound design guys do their damndest to make you jump. As a grown man hides in a closet, there are several unpleasant deaths, bodies in the bath, crazy old crones and a velour bathrobe made me shiver.

But most terrifying of all is how all this good material manages to be consistently deathly dull. At least you don’t have to have seen any of the previous films in the series to dislike this one.

ANNABELLE COMES HOME

Cert 15 105mins Stars 2

Even the most eager seekers of supernatural scares will struggle to find anything to get their teeth into with this seventh instalment in the Conjuring horror franchise.

Designed as a standalone film so you don’t have to seen any of the others, the haunted Annabelle doll is safely locked up in the suburban basement of the Warrens, the married self-styled consultants of demonology and witchcraft.

When the paranormal investigators leave their young daughter in the care of her high school babysitter and her impetuous best friend, Annabelle unleashes various demonic spirits such as a hellhound, a haunted wedding dress and a samurai warrior, who stagger about infirm of purpose.

Time drags in this severe case of consequence-free paranormal inactivity, and nearly all the action is limited to the house, with its early 1970s styling being the creepier than the ghouls

It all feels like an episode of Ben Stiller’s Night At The Museum films, but without the scares, or the laughs.

CHAINED

Stars 1

This violent psychological thriller is shamelessly provocative, unconvincing and dull, and sees director Jennifer Lynch insulting the intelligence of the audience with a transparent attempt at courting controversy by treating a murderous sex offender with sympathy and understanding.

When a young boy is kidnapped by a Vincent D’Onofrio’s taxi-driving psychopath, Bob, he’s taken to a remote farmhouse where he’s chained to the kitchen sink and renamed Rabbit, where he’s forced to clean up the bloody cadavers that are the result of Bob’s night-time cruising for female victims.

Lacking wit, insight or even the cheapest of thrills or hollow spectacle, this is a contender for the worst movie of 2012.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4

Cert 15 Stars 2

This found footage low rent horror sequel is a cynical and dull addition to a once promising franchise.

Once again an emotional disturbed child is thrust into the home of a middle-class family whose mother is ill, prompting things again to go bump in the night.

There’s a curious moving shadow, a strange sound, and doors that stand menacingly open. Eventually the signs of the occult begin to appear, strange symbols are drawn, and a cat wanders around, probably looking for an agent to fire.

Our fear and dread rises at the sight of a rolling ball, and wooden floors in long corridors, and a child riding a cycle, as all of a sudden we mortified we’re watching a bargain basement version of The Shining.

There are no new ideas and the found footage device has to work very hard to justify itself, as no matter how scared people are, they just will not let go of their phone.

Easily the most terrifying aspect of this movie is apparently how simple it is for teenagers to use technology to spy on their own family.