action adventure

AMERICAN MADE

Cert 15 115mins Stars 3

One of the most notorious CIA operations is given some Hollywood gloss in this brisk paced and colourful real life caper.

What eventually blew up as the Iran-Contra scandal in the 1980s began with a dimwit pilot called Barry Seal, who was employed by the CIA to smuggle guns and cocaine to and from Central and South America.

US Colonel Oliver North, drug baron Pablo Escobar and CIA chief’s son George W Bush are just some of the famous people Barry encounters on his increasingly dangerous escapades.

A satirical script requires Tom Cruise to play dumb, which isn’t easy for the intelligent actor. Plus his clean cut image means Barry is never seen indulging in any of cocaine he transported.

And once again the 55 year old is paired with a romantic interest more than 20 years his junior.

The young Cruise once aspired to win Oscars and still yet might, but he won’t be receiving any nominations for this lightweight if entertaining romp.

THE DARK TOWER

Cert 12A 95mins Stars 1

Horror writer Stephen King has a had a mixed bag with movie adaptions of his work, for every brilliant Shawshank Redemption there’s a Carrie remake.

With an A list cast, a decent budget of nearly £50m and an epic eight series book to work from, this is easily one of the worst.

Bland teenager Jake Chambers discovers he has psychic ability and finds himself transported to another dimension.

Poor young actor Tom Taylor is out of his depth. As 

Jake he’ll attack a high school bully for stealing his artwork, but when confronted with a multidimensional magical reality, his indifference is staggering, all yeah, like whatevs.

There he meets Idris Elba’s gunslinger, a former defender of the Dark Tower who’s vowed revenge on the magical Man In Black for killing his father. The English star tries hard but his talent isn’t given a target and his charisma is mostly holstered.

As his arch enemy Matthew McConaughey is a swaggering snake of a sorcerer, but he lacks any venom. He wants to use Jake’s psychic ability to destroy the Dark Tower, which protects the universe from outside attack.

Mashing up fantasy, science fiction, horror, and Westerns, there’s loads of good ideas thrown about such as dimension doorways, an army of human-sized rat-men, and bullets made from the sword of King Arthur.

So it’s scandalous this is so dull and devoid of mystery, wonder, thrills or fun. Plus it’s over stuffed and under powered, feeling long even with its brief running time.

With flat dialogue, dull action and unimpressive CGI, it manages to maintain a languid pace and tepid tone as it lurches along from silly to stupid.

Fans of the books will be furious and everyone else will be discouraged from reading them. And there’s no power in or outside the universe which could make me darken the tower’s door again.

THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD

Cert 15 118mins Stars 4

This buddy action comedy is loud, fast, funny and the whole nine yards of knockout fun.

Ryan Reynolds is an executive bodyguard strong armed to protect Samuel L. Jackson’s hitman.

Pursued by an army of heavily armed gunmen, the smooth triple A rated protection agent has only 27 hours to transport the killer from Manchester to The Hague to give evidence in a trial.

The film trades heavily on the combustible competitive charisma of a formidable foursome of stars.

Elodie Yung and Salma Hayek play the men’s significant others, with the latter magnificent in her fiery foul mouthed fury.

There’s a vague 1970s vibe and the inclusion of Belarusian war crimes and terrorist strikes give real world weight to the James Bond inspired action.

This includes a shoot out in Coventry – which is not something you see everyday in a Hollywood movie – plus there’s a ferocious motorbike and speedboat chase in Amsterdam. Van der Valk was never this much of a blast.

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

Cert 12A 136mins Stars 3

Take a holiday trip to a city in space with this spectacular looking sci-fi adventure.

War is threatened when aliens kidnap a space police commander, so a pair of glamorous intergalactic agents blast off to save the universe.

It’s based on a 1970’s French comic which was one of the key influences of the original Star Wars, and everything feels very familiar.

However we’re never bored because there is always something glorious to look at. It’s a non-stop parade of dazzlingly beautiful aliens, spaceships and planets.

But even mad French director Luc Besson is so busy gawping like a tourist at the amazing sights, the story is lost in the rush to see what’s around the next corner.

After her astonishingly poor performances in last year’s superhero fiasco, Suicide Squad, model turned actress Cara Delevingne rescues her fledgling career with a terrifically smart, sexy and kick ass performance.

As Sergeant Laureline she has to carry the story due to her co-star being horrifically miscast.

This big budget blockbuster needs leading man swagger, such as Chris Pratt provides in Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy.

Instead we have Dane DeHaan, an intense actor well suited to small indie movies but is skill set is utterly wrong for the role of Major Valerian, and who lacks the authority required for the role.

Nor does DeHaan have a shred of romantic chemistry with Delevingne. Plus Valerian is noticeably more dim and less effective than his subordinate Laureline, but the script never sees this as a problem.

Popstar Rihanna makes a brief appearance as an adult entertainer, she has multiple costume changes and her stunt double does good work.

Clive Owen, Ethan Hawke, Rutger Hauer appear game for a laugh and for some reason jazz composer Herbie Hancock beams by as the Defence Minister.

The city of a thousand planets is a lovely looking place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to go back.

 

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES

Cert 12A 142mins Stars 5

There’s no monkeying about when the fur starts flying in this epic end to the sci-fi trilogy.

It’s a mean, meaty, and hair raising action adventure which doesn’t hang around and becomes increasingly tense and spectacular as the explosive conclusion approaches.

And it’s far superior to this year’s other monkey movie, the disappointing Kong: Skull Island.

This is a rare beast of a series, improving in quality from good to great to gripping.

In 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes, scientific experiments led to apes talking, and in 2014’s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the humans were mostly wiped out by a virus.

Now the remainder of humanity is on the warpath and the talking apes are being hunted to extinction.

Caesar the chimp is a thoughtful tribal chief who abandons his responsibilities and sets off on a mission of personal revenge with a small group of friends.

When he’s confronted with the consequences of his disastrous failings as a leader, father, and spouse, Caesar seeks to redeem himself and save his tribe.

Heading a strong cast and reprising his role as Caesar, Andy Serkis provides the powerful emotional heart of this film with another mesmeric and masterful performance.

He is the king of motion capture technology, the process which convinces us the apes, gorillas and orang utans exist as living, breathing, and bleeding creatures, not just animated computer pixels.

Woody Harrelson brings a controlled menace to role of Caesar’s nemesis. He plays a crazy army colonel who has established the power of life and death over his troops.

Using humour to light the darkness is Steve Zahn as a stray ape in a beanie hat, and young Amiah Miller is a slight, sweet presence as mute human, Nova.

An ambitious script owes as much to British classics such as The Bridge on the River Kwai as it does to westerns such as Clint Eastwood’s The Outlaw Josey Wales. And there are unmistakable references to Vietnam war epic, Apocalypse Now.

This is a world of difficult choices and painful consequences, filled with madness, torture and death. Even older primary school kids may struggle with the heavyweight tone of a film pitched far ahead of films featuring spangly spandex superheroes or wise cracking giant robots.

Though the Hollywood jungle drums suggest this may not be the end of the story, the emotional finale guarantees you’ll go ape for this chest beating brute of a blockbuster.

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT

Cert 12A 148mins Stars 1

Run for your life as the giant alien robot franchise returns to obliterate the box office.

The previous four films have taken nearly £3 billion in total at the box office and this wretchedly repetitive and grindingly incoherent episode will probably add considerably more.

Never afraid to do less with more, director Michael Bay takes his £200m budget and adds King Arthur to this mangled mess of globe hopping machines, endless explosions and terrible bantz. Even the supposedly quiet moments are played with a rock music video intensity.

The plot shamelessly apes the plot of the most recent Fast Furious film. Hero robot Optimus Prime is coerced by a glamorous female villain to turn on his former comrades so she can rule the universe, or something. 

As Optimus is a pompous, vain, and speechifying dumbbell, it’s a blessing he’s sidelined for long periods.

Mark Wahlberg resumes his role as Cade Yeager, a struggling inventor and now legendary resistance leader. He gamely runs around, shooting stuff and flirting with Laura Haddock.

The Brit actress has been jettisoned in to provide a glamorous love interest and miraculously escapes with her dignity intact.

This is despite her character being described as a ‘professor in a stripper dress’ and being obliged to perform a zero gravity pole dance during one of the many lengthy action sequences.

Anthony Hopkins’ broader eccentricities are unleashed as Sir Edmund Burton, a historian with back door channels to Downing street.

He explains the sub-Da Vinci code nonsense as they chase about castles and stately homes in pursuit of the staff of Merlin.

It’s the weapon of ultimate power. Which is useful as the robot planet Cybertron is en route to suck the life out of Earth. I now understand exactly how that feels.

This obsolete hunk of junk should be sent to the wreckers yard.

 

 

THE MUMMY (2017)

Cert 15 110mins Stars 1

This big budget action adventure lumbers into cinemas and begs to be put out of its torment. Long before it ended, so did I.

Though the world is threatened when an ancient terror is unleashed, a directorial dead hand can’t muster a sense of fun, danger, mystery or suspense.

It’s only brought to a semblance of life by the spark of Brit actress Annabelle Wallis and the dogged determination of Tom Cruise.

He stars as Nick Morton, an impish US soldier and blackmarketeer who is cursed when he opens a tomb in the Iraqi desert.

To save himself he must reunite a ceremonial dagger with a jewel discovered in a London grave.

He’s accompanied by a shouty, face slapping Egyptologist called Jenny, played by Wallis.

They stagger through a script which exhumes the dead bits of better movies and wraps them up in murky CGI.

Aeroplane and underwater stunts are airlifted in from Cruise’s last Mission Impossible film. And scenes from An American Werewolf in London are humourlessly reanimated.

Meanwhile a resurrected Egyptian mummy wants the knife to rule the world, or something.

Algerian dancer Sofia Boutella spends her time either chained in rags or parading across the desert in the style of a 1980’s Turkish Delight advert.

This stumbling mess is intended to be a franchise starter for Universal Studio’s Dark Universe. It’s a series of connected films rebooting classic movie monsters such as the Wolfman.

So our heroes also encounter Russell Crowe’s Dr. Jekyll, lurking in a lair of Bond villain extravagance.

Years of good living hang heavy on the 53 year old Crowe and he makes the 54 year old Cruise seem even more remarkably well preserved.

Next year we’ll have a new version of The Bride of Frankenstein and Johnny Depp has been announced as the Invisible Man.

After this dull horror show, that’s a truly terrifying prospect.

WONDER WOMAN

Cert 12A 140mins Stars 4

A super powered supermodel breaks the hero mould in this thrilling, involving and funny action spectacular.

Glamazon Israeli actress Gal Gadot is undeniably kick ass as the Amazon warrior princess. And she impresses in quieter scenes as her civilian alter ego Diana Prince. In these she’s an endearing mix of Julia Robert’s Pretty Woman and Christopher Reeves’ Clarke Kent.

Gadot benefits enormously by being paired with Chris Pine as ace spy and airman, Steve Trevor. Best known as Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, Pine’s gift for romantic comedy is astutely deployed in a hand holding role to aid the less experienced actress.

Leaving her home of Paradise Island to fight on the Belgian front, Wonder Woman seeks to kill the legendary Aries. Diana holds the ancient greek god of war responsible for the mass carnage and believes he’s taken the form of Danny Huston’s German general, Ludendorff.

There is hope and optimism as the old fashioned values of sacrifice, courage and duty are dressed up in state of art CGI.

A long way from the daft TV series starring Lynda Carter, this Wonder Woman is strong, smart and sexy. As one character says of her ‘I’m both frightened and aroused’.

From Supergirl to Catwoman female superhero films have been terrible. After fifteen super successful films starring various masked heroes, Marvel have no plans to make one.

This is despite their having the globally popular actress Scarlett Johansson playing a more significant character, the Black Widow, and even giving Ant-Man his own movie.

Meanwhile lead by the anguished Henry Cavill as Superman, the DC comics film adaptations have been overly long, dark and dull.

Director Patty Jenkins blows all this away with a fabulous mix of epic fantasy, wartime romance and screwball comedy.

Easily the best DC superhero film since Christian Bale hung up his Batman cowl, this woman is a downright wonder.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: SALAZAR’S REVENGE

Cert 12A 129mins Stars 3

The supernatural swashbuckling franchise returns to chart a course through familiar waters, but there’s a new star to light the way.

After 2011’s ponderous adventure On Stranger Tides, this adventure moves at a fair clip along its formulaic route of spectacular CGI sea battles and big scale stunts.

The special effects, costumes, sets and locations are a treasure dazzle us, but outshining them all is newcomer Kaya Scodelario. The Brit actress brings fresh life to the regular skeleton crew as a feisty astronomer turned treasure hunter.

Carina is the only woman of note in an ocean of men, and it’s a pity she’s saddled with Brenton Thwaites as a romantic interest. As Henry, he’s a suitably bland son and heir to Orlando Bloom’s Will Turner.

They team up with Johnny Depp’s hapless pirate, Captain jack Sparrow. Though Depp’s pantomime performance becomes more tiresome with every appearance, the troubled actor needs this film to rescue his badly listing career. 

Sparrow features heavily, but through judicious editing, stunt work and stand-ins, there’s a lot less Depp than we’re supposed to believe. 

Bloom and Keira Knightley briefly reprise their roles and Paul McCartney continues the series’ rum tradition of rock star cameos.

A ruddy faced Geoffrey Rush does a spot of acting as Captain Barbossa and gives his one legged pirate some real welly. And one time James Bond villain, Javier Bardem harries everyone amidships as the revenge seeking Salazar, the matador of the sea.

The scattershot script pays lip service to its own plot which involves the Trident of Poseidon. The reappearance of pirate galleon The Black Pearl, brings closure to a major character.

This week Depp was confirmed as the Invisible Man in Universal Studio’s new ‘Dark Universe’ franchise. If his career continues its downward spiral, he won’t need special effects to play the part.

 

 

KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD

Cert 12A 126mins Stars 2

Director Guy Ritchie puts Arthurian legend to the sword with this humdrum fantasy adventure.

It’s a big budget spectacular full of magical beasts and battles, aiming appeal to fans of TV’s Games of Thrones. But without all the nudity and sex.

It barely plays lip service to the legend, and often feels as if Ritchie has made a Robin Hood film by mistake. He does manage to remember to include a sword in the stone and a lady in the lake.

The definitive versions of King Arthur are 1981’s Excalibur and 1975’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This is not as funny as one or as grandly mythic as the other.

Ritchie made his name with gangster romps such as Lock Stock, and it’s no surprise to find Arthur reinvented as a brylcreamed cockney hard case.

The King is played with a remarkable lack of charisma by Charlie Ho-hum, sorry, Hunnam. Imagine Gary Barlow in It’s A Royal Knockout, armed with a super-powered sword. But without the cavalier sense of fun that suggests.

With Ritchie being director, producer and co-writer, only those on set with any clout remain unscathed from the pillage of his stylistic flourishes.

Jude Law is impressively imperial as Arthur’s evil uncle, Vortigern. In order to maintain his reign of terror in England, he needs to find and destroy his nephew.

In an astutely edited and mildly distracting cameo as a knight, former footballer David Beckham makes a valiant stab at acting.

With the exception of French actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey, women are mostly window dressing.

Who knows why Warner Bros allowed Ritchie to squander £135 million of their cash on this dull and disappointing disaster.

But having already fallen on its sword around the globe, trying to turn this into box office gold will be as easy as finding the Holy Grail.