Cert 12A 148mins Stars 1
Run for your life as the giant alien robot franchise returns to obliterate the box office.
The previous four films have taken nearly £3 billion in total at the box office and this wretchedly repetitive and grindingly incoherent episode will probably add considerably more.
Never afraid to do less with more, director Michael Bay takes his £200m budget and adds King Arthur to this mangled mess of globe hopping machines, endless explosions and terrible bantz. Even the supposedly quiet moments are played with a rock music video intensity.
The plot shamelessly apes the plot of the most recent Fast Furious film. Hero robot Optimus Prime is coerced by a glamorous female villain to turn on his former comrades so she can rule the universe, or something.
As Optimus is a pompous, vain, and speechifying dumbbell, it’s a blessing he’s sidelined for long periods.
Mark Wahlberg resumes his role as Cade Yeager, a struggling inventor and now legendary resistance leader. He gamely runs around, shooting stuff and flirting with Laura Haddock.
The Brit actress has been jettisoned in to provide a glamorous love interest and miraculously escapes with her dignity intact.
This is despite her character being described as a ‘professor in a stripper dress’ and being obliged to perform a zero gravity pole dance during one of the many lengthy action sequences.
Anthony Hopkins’ broader eccentricities are unleashed as Sir Edmund Burton, a historian with back door channels to Downing street.
He explains the sub-Da Vinci code nonsense as they chase about castles and stately homes in pursuit of the staff of Merlin.
It’s the weapon of ultimate power. Which is useful as the robot planet Cybertron is en route to suck the life out of Earth. I now understand exactly how that feels.
This obsolete hunk of junk should be sent to the wreckers yard.