Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Harrison Ford picks up the famous fedora for the fifth time as Indiana Jones in this respectful and sufficiently entertaining yarn which seeks to put a cap on Ford’s appearances in the franchise.

It’s another globe-trotting, Nazi-punching, treasure seeking adventure which goes through the motions at an impressive lick but never re-captures the magic. This time the now retired professor of archeology is chasing down the Dial of Archimedes, a device which can detect fissures in time.

He’s aided by his god-daughter, played by the enjoyable Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and Ethann Isidore, as a teenage hustler whose role feels created as a market-tested obligation. Mads Mikkelson is wasted as the under-written Nazi scientist who’s also chasing the dial.

James Mangold’s directorial CV has strong moments such as Walk the Line, Logan, and Le Mans ‘66. And he demonstrates vast courage in even attempting follow in Steven Spielberg’s footsteps in the grandmaster’s signature franchise.

To compare Mangold to Spielberg in any other context but this one would be as grossly unfair as comparing the person painting the Forth Bridge to Picasso.

One is doing a fine job in difficult conditions, the other is creating Guernica.

And of course Mangold comes up short, anyone would. The gulf in talent between Spielberg and Mangold is easily demonstrated by their respective treatment of Jones’s hat.

Even in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the weakest of the franchise prior to this, Spielberg used Jones’s hat with a deft sleight of hand, introducing it in gorgeous silhouette, and lingering as it waits to be picked up, creating anticipation in the audience our hero is about to appear.

Here Mangold bandies the hat about as luggage, uses it as a punchline to a non-joke, and worse, employs it as a superhero disguise, giving an octogenarian the power to punch people’s lights out.

And speaking of silhouettes, I missed the crispness of Douglas Slocombe’s cinematography of the original trilogy. 

This seemed shot to compensate/accommodate the CGI, which only raises from modern blockbuster passable when impressively de-ageing Ford to his prime, in the lengthy Second World War sequence.

Back in the film’s present of 1969, I understand the now grizzled Jones is frustrated and deeply dissatisfied with life, but he’s never given the opportunity to use his wits, learning, or problem solving ability. 

Think of the tension generated in Raiders of the Lost Ark by watching Jones measure out a bag of sand to balance the weight of a gold idol. Or Sean Connery defeating a plane with his brolly in The Last Crusade.

There are at least four Professors in prime roles in this film, which must be a blockbuster record, yet the film misses the opportunity to allow them to do much with their brains except ladle out exposition. The memorable exception belongs to Waller-Bridge and fair play to her for running with her big moment.

Instead Ford is shuffled from one action sequence to the next where it’s obvious he’s no longer doing any of his own stunt work.

The best stunts in Raiders, such as the truck chase, were based on breathless in-camera stunts from the 1930’s and as such were mostly dialogue free.  And were all the better for it.

‘Cut to the chase’ goes the Hollywood maxim. There’s good reason the saying is not, ‘Cut to the dialogue in the chase’, as this film amply demonstrates.

Here the characters trade barbs while racing tuk tuks, and their dialogue acts as an anchor to the action. The great Hollywood vehicle chases such as those in Bullitt, The French Connection, and any chase from a Mad Max film. All dialogue free.

Was George Miller not available to direct this? Was he not considered? He’s good with a truck chase in a desert.

Bless Mangold for having the cojones to take the hospital pass in following Spielberg.

But with a film crammed with bonkers invention, a great cast and a canvas designed to muse upon life, love & legacy, I should have been far more wildly entertained.

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ARTEMIS FOWL

Cert 12 Stars 3

Disney’s latest big budget sci-fi fantasy adventure is a glossy yet muddled adaptation of Eoin Colfer’s 2001 novel, which makes up with some fun action, great design and impressive special effects what it lacks in strong characters or interesting narrative.

Emerald-clad elves and leprechauns add an Irish flavour to this hodgepodge of Harry Potter and junior James Bond, with most of the action taking place in or around a stunning Irish clifftop residence, and the plot concerns the possession of a magic weapon of mass destruction, attempted genocide and missing fathers.

Kenneth Branagh is no slouch to this sort of romp, having previously directed Disney’s live action Cinderella and Marvel’s first Thor movie, and due to the huge amount of voice-over telling us information the brisk running hasn’t time to show us, I suspect Branagh shot a richer, longer and more coherent version than the one we’re presented with.

With eight books in the series this was clearly intended as a franchise starter, but I doubt we’ll see a sequel.

THE IRON MASK

Cert 12 Stars 3

East meets West as ageing action stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan duke it out in this lavish and nonsensical 18th century globetrotting comedy fantasy adventure.

Schwarzenegger gives a thunderous pantomime performance as a guard in the Tower of London, making jokes at the expense of the incarcerated Jackie Chan.

The plot – such as I could follow or that it’s important – involves a man in an iron mask, a captured master wizard and a caged princess, warring wizard tribes and an enormous dragon whose eye lashes provide tea leaves.

Russian actress Anna Churina bring the glamour to the cosmopolitan cast and there’s fun to be had spotting big names Charles Dance and the late Rutger Hauer under their extravagant wigs.

Anything goes in the sake of entertainment as the filmmakers fill every moment with country estates, prisons, secret codes, stowaways, stolen identities, carrier pigeons, flying goblins, floggings, Transylvanian wolves, and mind reading demonic creatures, and what this romp lacks in coherence it over-compensates with personality and vigour.

BIRDS OF PREY (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

Cert 15 Stars 4

Girl power is given a badass makeover in this freewheeling foul-mouthed superhero action comedy, whose double identity is as a raucous relationship breakup party for the social media generation.

Led by Margot Robbie’s gloriously anarchic Harley Quinn, it sees a flock of assorted women, such as Ella Jay Basco’s young pickpocket, Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s vigilante, Rosie Perez’s cop and Jurnee Smollett-Bell’s super-powered nightclub singer, in pursuit of a missing mafia diamond.

Harley Quinn was first introduced in 2016’s mostly rubbish but wildly successful super-villain adventure, Suicide Squad, but as its standout character, fully deserves this stand-alone spin-off romp.

The now ex-girlfriend of Batman’s arch enemy, the Joker, a heartbroken Harley is struggling to embrace independence and recognise her own self-worth.

The film takes place in an alternative timeline to Joaquin’s Phoenix’s BAFTA-winning and Oscar-nominated version of Joker, and the clown prince of crime is only very briefly glimpsed.

Without the Joker’s protection Harley is now a target for Gotham City’s underworld, not least Ewan McGregor’s enjoyably camp master criminal, Black Mask, who also wants the diamond.

Robbie is a blast as she pours heart, soul and in-your-face attitude into her character, creating a brilliantly spontaneous and irrepressible modern update on Marilyn Monroe’s sweet and sexy screen persona, complete with a nightmarish spin on her famous song and dance number, ‘Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend.

Harley talks directly to the camera as the story flashbacks and zips forward, with director Cathy Yan throwing out the leering camerawork of Suicide Squad in favour of a hyperactive grab-bag of graphics and fun-filled acrobatic action, including a breathless and brilliant rollerskating finale.

Yan and Robbie dress the thin plot as a ‘this is my life’ Youtube-style confessional video, albeit one with Hollywood production values, and once you’ve adjusted to the manic tone and the story kicks in, there’s a lot of fun to be had.

Imagine an alternative Spice Girls movie, but one bursting with the character and charisma of talented performers at the top of their game and a far superior soundtrack.

Funny, irreverent, violent, trashy and a celebration of sisterhood with an unmissable message of female empowerment, it’s an irresistible rainbow riot of popcorn fun.

BAD BOYS FOR LIFE

Cert 15 Stars 3

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence return in tandem in this long awaited and disposable action comedy sequel, a violent crime caper which trades heavily on their amiable chemistry and delivers a macho workout of shoot-outs and car chases, but is absolutely abstemious in portraying any sexual activity.

Age can’t diminish Smith’s charismatic swagger, and if you missed Lawrence’s unique brand of tomfoolery, then you’ll be entertained by his performance here, after some years away from the big time.

As Miami cops they’re hunted by a Mexican cartel intent on revenge for the sins of a violent career, a story which leans into the current US political climate with its tales of feckless African-American youths and promiscuous Mexican women with the power of witchcraft.

With Mexico presented as a shanty town of corruption and exporter of terror, drugs and violence to the States, a modicum of balance is offered by the cop’s young, diverse and insanely attractive hi-tech support team, lead by Mexican actress Paola Nunez, and including Vanessa Hudgens and Alexander Ludwig.

Toning down the leering camerawork of the 2005 and 1993 instalments to favour drooling over expensive cars rather than bikini-clad women, Belgian directors Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah retain the slick, glossy, sun-kissed and hectic style pioneered by original director, Michael Bay, who is on hand to make an indulgent cameo.

Everything is photographed to make a reasonable budget look as if an extravagant amount of money has been spent, however the explosive set-pieces are noticeably smaller than the rival Fast Furious franchise, whose homilies about the nobility and prominence are ripped off by a workaday script.

And unlike the Mission Impossible franchise, the editing and cinematography seem designed to convince none of the actors are doing their own stunts.

With his name on the production titles at the film’s beginning, ahead of his credit on Tom Cruise’s upcoming Top Gun: Maverick, producer Don Simpson is having a banner year – an impressive achievement considering he’s been dead since 1996.

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME

Cert 12A 129mins Stars 4

You won’t believe what you’re seeing in this comic book action adventure as Spider-man hits the high spots in a deliciously deceptive head-spinning romp.

A direct sequel to blockbuster smash, Avengers: Endgame, this is a mischievous mix of sweet high school romcom, fun teenage spy caper and exciting superhero CGI spectacular.

Peter Parker is in romantic pursuit of classmate MJ, on their school’s European vacation, when his costumed alter-ego Spider-man learns heroes don’t get holidays. 

Grumpy secret agent Nick Fury teams Spider-man with superhero Mysterio, which will be a surprise to long-time Spidey fans as Mysterio is one of the web-swinger’s best known arch-villains.

But re-inventing Mysterio as a dimension-hopping hero with a tragic past makes him a more interesting character while also tying this version of Spider-man into last year’s animated Multi-verse adventure.

Parker identifies Mysterio as the man to replace Iron Man as his mentor, and they set about battling the Elementals, extra-dimensional giants with power over air, earth, wind and fire.

Returning with a winning chemistry as Peter Parker and MJ, Brit actor Tom Holland and pop star Zendaya are the beating heart of the film, with her self-contained charisma making MJ the best superhero squeeze since Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane, in 1978’s Superman.

And they’re reunited with the key young cast members of Spider-man: Homecoming, and Marvel fan favourites such as Samuel L. Jackson, Jon Favreau and Marisa Tomei reprise their roles as the adult guardians.

Indie movie star Jake Gyllenhaal brings his unique brand of loopy intensity to Mysterio, and while he often gives the impression of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, it’s a useful quality to have when playing a guy trying to save the planet.

Having Parker unveil various old and new Spider-suits is part of a stream of call-backs to previous films, which will have fans cooing in delight.

Plus a pair of fat-rimmed hi-tech spectacles are a knowing wink to Michael Caine’s 1960’s spy, Harry Palmer, and neatly magnify the script’s central concerns.

While the film wears the frothy air of an espionage caper, the tone disguises some very serious thoughts about fake news and multi-media manipulation, while reminding us Parker was employed in other incarnations as a photojournalist.

From dealing with the fallout of Endgame to deciphering what Marvel has in store for Spider-man, there’s a lot to uncover in this, and one of the best secrets is kept until after the credits, so make sure you stay until the absolute end.

OCEAN’S 8

Cert 12A 110mins Stars 4

Be dazzled by a sparkling mix of high crime and haute couture in this hugely enjoyable diamond heist caper.

Sandra Bullock stars in this all female spinoff sequel to the super-successful Ocean’s 11 trilogy, which began way back in 2001.

It featured George Clooney as crook, Danny Ocean, who is supposedly now dead, and now the The Gravity star plays Debbie, his con-artist sister.

Leaving prison on parole after five years inside, she cuts a strikingly strong, sexy and smart figure as she promptly blags her way into an expensive hotel suite with plans for an audacious, risky and hugely profitable con.

Hooking up with former partner-in-crime, Cate Blanchett, they put together a multi-ethnic team of women which includes Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, and Awkwafina.

Helena Bonham Carter is entertainingly distracted as a fashion designer roped in to help, and popstar Rihanna is confident and surprisingly good as the teams technical genius.

It’s fun to hang out with the all-girl gang who have a convincing and easy going chemistry, and each of them is given their moment to shine in the spotlight and demonstrate their varied skills.

Dressed in a series of fabulous outfits, they plan to steal a $150 million necklace from an exclusive fundraising Gala in New York while it’s been worn by a famous actress, played with comic vacuity by Anne Hathaway. Though not everyone knows there is more than one con being played, which raises the stakes for all concerned. 

Cameos by worthies such as Vogue supremo, Anna Wintour, and tennis player, Serena Williams, are thankfully kept to a minimum. And not even the late arrival of James Corden to the party can spoil the fun.

This is a slick and highly polished good time, and is all the better for feeling as if it smells of expensive perfume rather than the men’s locker room.

SHOW DOGS

Cert PG 92mins Stars 3

Enjoy a parade of pampered pooches in this canine crime caper which has a doggy style all of its own.

A New York police department rottweiler teams up with a human FBI agent to go undercover as contestants a Las Vegas dog beauty pageant.

They’re trying to unmask an international animal smuggling ring and rescue a super cute panda cub called Ling-li.

In debt to Tom Hanks’ 1989 Turner and Hooch, but now the animals can talk, courtesy of the voice of rapper, Ludacris, as Max the rottweiler, along with RuPaul and Shaquille O’Neal as fellow contestants.

Best known as the voice of Lego Batman, Will Arnett plays Max’s sidekick, but he’s a far less dynamic crimefighter here.

Raja Gosnell is Hollywood’s top dog for mutt movies having previously directed two live action Scooby Doo movies and 2008’s Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

He embraces the barking mad premise with a straight face, and dog fanciers will fall in puppy love with it.

KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

Cert 15 141mins Stars 1

If I hadn’t been so bored watching this cut-price James Bond rip off I would have hated it more.

It’s a horrible bully of a film which insists if you don’t laugh at it’s snobbish, boorish and misogynist humour, you’re the one at fault.

An over long sequel to 2015’s questionable espionage caper, it aims for bigger and brasher which only magnifies its many faults.

Having saved the world last time out Taron Egerton is back with his unconvincing cockney accent as Eggsy. He’s now a fully fledged operative of the secret Kingsman organisation, who are sworn to protect the power of the privileged and wealth .

Eggsy’s pompous mentor Harry Hart was supposedly killed off in the first film, and we have to suffer a laborious explanation for the return of Colin Firth’s brolly wielding agent.

An aristocrat who enjoys lecturing the working class on good manners while beating them up, Hart is incomprehensibly positioned as an aspirational figure.

Star names are roped in to pad out the cast list but poor Channing Tatum and Jeff Bridges are immediately sidelined.

Meanwhile Hanna Alstrom is once again on the bum end of a gag as Princess Tilde, model turned actress Poppy Delevingne is assaulted in a Glastonbury tent, and singer Elton John appears as himself.

Only Julianne Moore as a megalomanic drug dealer holding world to ransom survives with any credit.

The series comic book origins are evident in the wacky building design, casual attitude to mass destruction, paper thin characters and the absence of gravity from action scenes.

Scrabbling around for jokes and ideas, the script borrows from superhero films and Indiana Jones. It proudly lifts a joke from Carry On up the Khyber, which was amusing back in 1968.

Writers Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman find swearing incurably funny and take juvenile delight in their misjudged attempts to be outrageous. There’s no cinematic gold here, only a circle of fools.

LOGAN LUCKY

Cert 12A 118mins Stars 3

Having reportedly retired from making feature films in 2012, the director of classic heist movie Ocean’s 11 can’t resist returning for one more criminal caper.

Sadly for Steven Soderbergh as decent as Logan Lucky is, this is in all ways a down market riff on his glossy 2001 George Clooney Las Vegas smash. Though it is far better than the lamentable and self indulgent Ocean sequels.

Channing Tatum and Adam Driver play the good old Logan boys Jimmy and Clyde, whose family it is locally believed are cursed by ill fortune, hence the title.

Jimmy’s ex wife is taking their daughter to another State and he needs money to hire a lawyer to fight for custody. He’s also just unfairly lost his job at the nearby motor racing track, from which he promptly decides to steal a fortune.

He rounds up a crew which includes Daniel Craig. The 007 star is clearly having a blast a tattooed explosive expert.

Riley Keough, Katie Holmes and Katherine Waterston add glamour, romance and some brains.

Written by the fictitious Rebecca Blunt in the quirky comic style of the Coen Brothers, many suspect the writer was really Soderbergh himself, who has previously used the pseudonym Mary Ann Bernard when working as an editor. If it is him then we know who to blame for various script issues.

With the absence of a bad guy and the police generally incompetent, the good guys are more or less pushing at an open door to get the loot. Nor is it always clear if the film is laughing with or at the dim witted desperadoes and townsfolk.

Subplots featuring Seth MacFarlane as a British racing driver and Hilary Swank as a FBI agent should have been cut to give proceedings a much needed sense of urgency. The pace mirrors the drawl of the hillybilly West Virginia characters.

As Logan Lucky failed to make a killing at the US box office, perhaps early retirement wasn’t such a bad idea after all.